I GIVE UP!!!!

I think today is a very bad day where everything just turn bad and unfortune! I also dunno who am i! I really lost... since last night i was praying for the personal good arrive from melbourne. Pray that the procedure will smooth and no any problems., because i can't go KL and ask one of my fren to get it with the authorisation letter. But i couldn't believe today those bad things will still have to happen. When he called me and told me that the customs do not allow him to collect the goods.. my heart just turn "soft" and my leg also can't stand... hand also sweat and cold. I just start to get very nrevous and worried. I keep praying and tell myself need to have confidence and faith.. but i failed to do so. Because i wanna get my goods.. i even ask my fren to lie that i sick can't get to KL. I can see myself start to get into the culture here.. I also ask him to bribe the custom officer. Haih~~ i just feel so hopless and hate the country! How come ppl here all also full of greed that only want money! After long discussion he only knew that the officer really want some money.. he requested 100. If dowan to give ask my fren to go back and come other day! This really make me feel like this is Malaysai... a country that couldn't develop because of corruptions!

Well, anger that drive me irrational.. make me keep complains to my dad. But he just couldn't understand what i wan him to do.. so the discussion became harsh when each of us louder our voice. I really feel hard and also embrassed in the office. Tears couldn't help when i told my mum, how impolite my dad. Actually these few days.. really make me think and think.. relationship more important or career. Sometimes i know i came back for a reason.. but when i do the things that time it will cause unhappy things... then i will start to ask.. do i still need to continue?

I also agree with Lap that our relationship turn really bad... i already got no patience to listen to him. I know he face difficulties and so do i. But i really dunno why i start to get lazy to share and spend time on the phone with him. I really feel i lost myself.. i start to get back into the "old" me where rude like hell and just couldn't walk in Christ!Sometimes i really wanna give up in everything i believe in and doing.. just wanna go away and start something new. I just wanna keep travel and meet more... or in other words... u will think i'm avoiding la. But i just tired to see how i change from bad to ok and now from ok to bad again! I start to wanna give up.. and have no faith in Lord Jesus as well. Sometimes i really feel like to go ask the "master" that my faimly believe one, "what my future will be? what can i do? who is my future partner". I just got no more patience to wait and wanna get an immediate answer. I understand why people scare to be Christian that restrict to so many things.. and have to be confidence, endurance and faith. Wat we can do is only wait. I really don't have the endurance... i just feel like i can't breath!! Arrrggghhhh... why can't life be more simple and easy?? Why must us face so many difficulties and as a Christian why like to make things complicated?? I really dunno... i start to scare to face my future.. especially certian family members that i need to face.

Hiah~~ now once i think bout future.. i become uncertain and blurr. This is so much different before i came back. I really dunno... i don't even tonight i should write such things in my blog or not. But this is just my feelings that i really feel like to express out. I know there might some ppl will say something or think something if they couldn't un.. but i don't care.. i just wanna express out. Yea, i also beleive in this moment whatever i said is quite negatives and very emotional. But it would be also the true words that i wanna pour out from my heart. I feel like there is no 1 i can talk to that will understand my feelings. The one i can talk to is Gob, but He couldn't give me me immediate responds!! WHY???AARRRGGGggghhhh.. i got no more confidence to walk on anymore!